By the way, the over achiever climbed over it while doing tummy time 2+ weeks ago!!!! Yes, you heard correctly. I didn't think of documenting it until the end because we were all so in awe!!!!
A photo from today:
Friday, July 12, 2013
New Love
Thursday, July 11, 2013
Blissfully Mourning
6 weeks ago, we received our miracle from God. Only he could have orchestrated the steps that led up to uniting us with Cayden..........7 weeks ago, we also received a blessing from God, just not the kind of blessing that someone would pray for or long for. You see, we lost a baby exactly 7 weeks ago......
We have had numerous people, since the day we received Cayden, that have looked at us and made statements like: "aren't you just elated with how it happened?"; "I bet you are just over the moon!"; "What a blessing it is that you saved this little guy!"; "Aren't you excited?"....the list could go on and on. We have had people ask why we didn't seem overjoyed.....we have even asked ourselves. The first week, we kept on contemplating when the overwhelming sense of joy would hit us. Would it be when the birth mom finally signed the consent? When we actually saw Cayden face to face? When the boys met Cayden? When we got to take Cayden home? But, it never did hit us. It was hard for a long time to come to terms with what we were feeling. Many people weren't aware of the nightmare we had been living for the past several months that ended horribly exactly 7 days before we received our next miracle.
We would fill people in on bits and pieces of our journey with the match we had beginning in January 2013, but it was next to impossible for us to keep up with, let alone others. Having been through years of fertility treatments, we were used to the rollercoaster that comes along with adding to our family. In some ways, I feel facing infertility was God's way of "training" us for the "battle" to come in our adoption journey.
I have practically each day of May 2013 documented in a journal that I was keeping to one day share with our baby. I haven't even had the guts to go back and look at it, let alone share all of the ups and downs with everyone else. We have known since the beginning of this journey that God was leading us. We also know that we would have never survived without God guiding us (sometimes dragging us) in the direction he intended for us to go in. You see, 7 days before being united with our new son, we found out that we lost the son we had been praying over, providing for and talking about for 5 months. We faced more deception and flat out evil in the month of May than we ever anticipated. Looking back, I can clearly see how incidents and relationships Chris and I have had in life with each other and other people equipped us to be able to come out of the battle still standing. There were definite times when we knew we were being covered with prayers and they were what was keeping us from throwing in the towel.
We found out 7 days before we got Cayden that the baby born 4 days before Cayden (unknown to us), that we had been providing for and praying for all these months was laying in the NICU going through withdrawal (we were prepared for that part), his "mom" (hard to even give her that title) had been released from the hospital and was refusing all calls and visits from our agency to sign the consent form. We learned she had forged many financial documents to get more money from us for drugs (supposedly), tried to get other agencies to give her more money for them to get the baby and there was no way we could even go see the baby or have anything to do with that baby. It wasn't the situation where a birth mother changes her mind and wants to keep the baby. She just didn't want to sign him over, most likely in hopes to find a way to get more money out of him somehow.
When we found out about Cayden, we were still heavily grieving a lost child, not one that died or having lost him because the birth mother changed her mind. He was still lying in a layette in the NICU, by himself, looking at being there 3-4 more months, going through withdrawal and there was no way we could help him. He was in our hearts (whether he was legally ours or not). Legally, CPS had custody of him (because of drugs and criminal charges pressed against her) and we know he will begin his life in a NICU being claimed by no one. Then when he is "released", he will be going to a foster family until all of the "mother's" rights have been terminated (which could be a year) and then go from there. We felt (and still feel) so helpless. We battle wanting to go to the NICU and just love on him and let him know someone loves him and care for him. We wonder what his life will end up like, will he be loved and cared for? All we can do is remember him and pray for God to watch over him.
On the good side, we know we went through all of this for a reason. We don't know that entire reason yet. It did strengthen us and draw us closer to God. It did show us that we can rely on him in good and bad and he is right there with us. I know he cried with us when we cried (even though he knew the outcome) and he rejoiced with us when we rejoiced. He rode right beside us on the rollercoaster and loved us through all of it.
So, when we get comments like: "What a blessing that you saved this little guy!!".....thank you, but no, we feel like he helped to save us.
I have been wanting to write this for a while, but wasn't sure how to put it into words. I want to remember these feelings and thoughts in the future when I think that God isn't moving fast enough or the right way. I felt we needed to explain to some why we weren't bouncing off the walls with excitement when Cayden came home. (I know I didn't need to explain, but didn't want people thinking we weren't happy.)
Are we elated? Yes, we are even though it may not completely show on the outside, we are overwhelmed with what God has given us!!!
Are we in mourning? Yes, we are. We don't expect everyone to understand and they don't need to, but we are still coming to terms with not being able to save that baby and "losing" him.
........Blissfully Mourning......
We have had numerous people, since the day we received Cayden, that have looked at us and made statements like: "aren't you just elated with how it happened?"; "I bet you are just over the moon!"; "What a blessing it is that you saved this little guy!"; "Aren't you excited?"....the list could go on and on. We have had people ask why we didn't seem overjoyed.....we have even asked ourselves. The first week, we kept on contemplating when the overwhelming sense of joy would hit us. Would it be when the birth mom finally signed the consent? When we actually saw Cayden face to face? When the boys met Cayden? When we got to take Cayden home? But, it never did hit us. It was hard for a long time to come to terms with what we were feeling. Many people weren't aware of the nightmare we had been living for the past several months that ended horribly exactly 7 days before we received our next miracle.
We would fill people in on bits and pieces of our journey with the match we had beginning in January 2013, but it was next to impossible for us to keep up with, let alone others. Having been through years of fertility treatments, we were used to the rollercoaster that comes along with adding to our family. In some ways, I feel facing infertility was God's way of "training" us for the "battle" to come in our adoption journey.
I have practically each day of May 2013 documented in a journal that I was keeping to one day share with our baby. I haven't even had the guts to go back and look at it, let alone share all of the ups and downs with everyone else. We have known since the beginning of this journey that God was leading us. We also know that we would have never survived without God guiding us (sometimes dragging us) in the direction he intended for us to go in. You see, 7 days before being united with our new son, we found out that we lost the son we had been praying over, providing for and talking about for 5 months. We faced more deception and flat out evil in the month of May than we ever anticipated. Looking back, I can clearly see how incidents and relationships Chris and I have had in life with each other and other people equipped us to be able to come out of the battle still standing. There were definite times when we knew we were being covered with prayers and they were what was keeping us from throwing in the towel.
We found out 7 days before we got Cayden that the baby born 4 days before Cayden (unknown to us), that we had been providing for and praying for all these months was laying in the NICU going through withdrawal (we were prepared for that part), his "mom" (hard to even give her that title) had been released from the hospital and was refusing all calls and visits from our agency to sign the consent form. We learned she had forged many financial documents to get more money from us for drugs (supposedly), tried to get other agencies to give her more money for them to get the baby and there was no way we could even go see the baby or have anything to do with that baby. It wasn't the situation where a birth mother changes her mind and wants to keep the baby. She just didn't want to sign him over, most likely in hopes to find a way to get more money out of him somehow.
When we found out about Cayden, we were still heavily grieving a lost child, not one that died or having lost him because the birth mother changed her mind. He was still lying in a layette in the NICU, by himself, looking at being there 3-4 more months, going through withdrawal and there was no way we could help him. He was in our hearts (whether he was legally ours or not). Legally, CPS had custody of him (because of drugs and criminal charges pressed against her) and we know he will begin his life in a NICU being claimed by no one. Then when he is "released", he will be going to a foster family until all of the "mother's" rights have been terminated (which could be a year) and then go from there. We felt (and still feel) so helpless. We battle wanting to go to the NICU and just love on him and let him know someone loves him and care for him. We wonder what his life will end up like, will he be loved and cared for? All we can do is remember him and pray for God to watch over him.
On the good side, we know we went through all of this for a reason. We don't know that entire reason yet. It did strengthen us and draw us closer to God. It did show us that we can rely on him in good and bad and he is right there with us. I know he cried with us when we cried (even though he knew the outcome) and he rejoiced with us when we rejoiced. He rode right beside us on the rollercoaster and loved us through all of it.
So, when we get comments like: "What a blessing that you saved this little guy!!".....thank you, but no, we feel like he helped to save us.
I have been wanting to write this for a while, but wasn't sure how to put it into words. I want to remember these feelings and thoughts in the future when I think that God isn't moving fast enough or the right way. I felt we needed to explain to some why we weren't bouncing off the walls with excitement when Cayden came home. (I know I didn't need to explain, but didn't want people thinking we weren't happy.)
Are we elated? Yes, we are even though it may not completely show on the outside, we are overwhelmed with what God has given us!!!
Are we in mourning? Yes, we are. We don't expect everyone to understand and they don't need to, but we are still coming to terms with not being able to save that baby and "losing" him.
........Blissfully Mourning......
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